what can I tell ya?

What can I tell you ? I've had a writers block for two years and finally a breakthrough. I'm so relived you have nooooo idea. I Can finally work on my little book and try to blog here and there.

Here's whats been going on.. Jackie, I can't even bring myself to say her name without feeling like a large brick is weighing down on my heart , however its a realization that I came to grips with the day she went to Heaven. Leaving Sea Cliff was one of the hardest things in my life believe it or not, I had such a hard time with it and Jackie helped me thru that! Everyone else was busy and did not keep in touch with me except for the occasional Face Book hello or text message from someone. Jackie however was texting daily and setting dates aside to see me. Since she passed, i'm actually afraid to step into Sea Cliff and see some peeps. I'm so worried i'll just break down because Jackie is not there and because I never actually had closure ( if that makes sense). At the time I left that Village, I was also putting up fences and angry ... not a good combo.

Besides Jackie, the day we moved into Holbrook house I met Maureen and her son Evan. Sadly a year and one half later, Maureen passed away. We had such little time to get to know each other I felt.. but what I did know is that Nadine loved Evan and I had to find David ( Evans Dad to keep the link, plus one of the last times I saw Maureen she asked I keep Evan and Nadine together).. Little did I know that her death would open up a New Beginning for me and I would have her son Evan and her precious infant baby Ella in my life almost daily ( up until recently anyway).. and of course her husband, my buddy David. Not only is Evan the same age as Nadine , he was around all the time ( Still is) and its like a built in play date for my girlie. I was holding and playing with Ella all the time , it was great! David also became my "girlfriend" we would chat it up all the time, while the kids played and had fun. Evan and Ella became family, as well as David and his family. Face forward to now..David, has been dating beautiful Debbie and soon i'm hoping that he will have her and her son Dylan in his life from here forward..time will tell. Time is also telling whether or not David will keep Nadine and I in their lives...
Since Maureen's passing, my cousin Mary, then my cousin Katie, my cousin Colleen and I can't forget Laurie.. all passed away ( Laurie the exception, she passed when I was pregnant with Nadine).

Anyway- I'm not sure what to do with these feelings. I do know that three of my cousins passed from Cancer, so i'm on that ! I've gotten checks , procedures ..you name it. So far I'm in the clear.

Besides the deaths of all of these gorgeous girls, not to long ago I have realized the one person I thought I could count on does not love me anymore. (Its a sad thing when you realize that persons heart is not pounding for you anymore). So this in itself by no means compares to what I've mentioned above , however it does feel like the death of a long era. I'll be honest, I thought having Nadine in our lives meant our family was forever... but I was sadly misguided by bad judgement on my part. Besides running a very busy Doctors office, being a mommy to my beautiful Nadine, I am back to doing Karate again! Its been literally 16 years. I have been yearning to go back , however I didn't want to step on Nadine's toes since she is also doing Karate for nearly three years. I'm loving it loving it and I've met such great people. The Sensei is so accommodating and a AWESOME teacher, and the Sempais are gems. I really am so grateful for everything I have! Besides my heart feeling a bit broken and dealing with that , there is something else that's been going on, something i'll address later on... but for now i'll say nite nite and edit this in a day or so. :-)

New Day

Today is a new day.
White clouds are moving slowly threw the lite blue sky , the sun is shining, its a beautiful day.
Yet, I ponder why you left me? I try to have new beginnings and try to keep smiling.
I'm making new friends and beautiful ones at that!
I'm continuing my days, continuing my nights, wondering where you are ? At times I close my eyes, with a deep breath can smell you as if you are next to me.
Closing my eyes and I can feel you in my arms and for a minute think you are there, close to my heart.
I'll see you again, this I know. Till then I'll wonder, I'll think of you , i'll
love you from where I am.

Block!

I'm suppose to be working on a book, but I have writers block these few months and i'm unsure how to get passed it.

BIG GIRL

Every few weeks, days or months I feel like a new milestone is reached with Nadine, sometimes with myself as well.
This week particular was bittersweet. Nadine has her first loose tooth! For her this is so exciting. She's been waiting for this to happen for almost a year.
After all in School, its pure excitement when her friends and classmates loose a tooth.
Nadine walked up to me and said "Mommy my tooth is loose, feel it" as she wiggled it and slurred her words.
My finger lightly touched the top of it , and to my astonishment, one of her bottom teeth are in fact wiggly.
As I shared in Nadine's excitement, I couldn't stop smiling the entire night!
The following day was a different story, I realized she was loosing her baby teeth. The teeth I was there for when they started to grow in, the teeth I was there for when they bothered her, the teeth that have been with her for almost six years.

In addition to teeth emotions going on, during the passed week my arms have gotten tired and weaker as Nadine grows taller, its most difficult for me to pick her up.
This is the hardest emotion I've been dealing with. It seems like such a small thing, yet I'm sad that this time is ending. To boot, she's well aware I can barely pick her up , as she suggests to me "Mommy , maybe I should walk" Or "Mommy, can you ask Daddy to carry me to my bed, I'm too tired to walk". Those sentences as simple as they are, seem to make me tear up.

Yesterday while doing yard work, my neighbor came outside with her two gorgeous children. At some point she offered to take Nadine into their backyard , so Nadine can play on the swing set, as I continued my work. Normally, I am reluctant to allow Nadine to go anywhere without me, but I found myself saying "Sure, thank you and Nadine listen to Gabriella's Mommy". During my time , I got so much done. But it wasn't till the evening when my husband told me he was proud of me for allowing Nadine to go play across the way without me, that I realized not only did I feel comfortable with my neighbor, I felt comfortable with myself and I know it's good for Nadine to be apart from me ( for a little bit).

Now, I know some of you udge my paranoia, my craziness, however these three milestones were big, for Nadine and for myself. :-)

Oh.. I almost forgot to mention, I'm not a fan of chewing Gum, however, Nadine blew her first bubble this week and it was freaking awesome!

Time is moving, I can only move with it and take in my beautiful girly's "Big girl" life as she is about to turn six.

What to get my Dad ?

As I prepare for My Fathers upcoming Birthday, I have to ponder "what do I get the man".
He's never been one to impress ( needless to say, I've become that way as well).
Non the less, I need to get him something. But what ?
History shows, the gifts I've given him either he didn't like or just didn't show any thought when he opened the gift.( still not to sure on that front)
Yet still, I at 40 years old still feel the young girl in me trying to impress him with a cool gift, or a neat gift..something that will make him just think to himself "WOW this is a awesome gift".. Now just a few days away from his Birth-date, and he with my mother in Florida , the time is ticking and I must rock it or ill miss his Birthday.
After weeks of trying to figure it out, tonight i'm at a standstill.
I could get him wine, yet he has friends in high places who buy him wine frequently,
I could buy him another Irish Cap, but how many could I get him throughout the years ?
I could get him slippers, but that's my daughter Nadine's gig now at Christmas.
I could buy him some Golf thingy, yet thru the years of golf giving I realize that only he knows what he wants and likes and seriously..how many desk nick knacks can he have?
Well I sat in front of my lap top tonight and found a web site that sells it all! And by ALL I mean.. A Crazy amount of STUFF . "Something has got to be in this site" and finally my thoughts were answered. Just like that, there it was , ONE DOZEN COOKIES, all types wrapped in a brown box with a beautiful Orange Bow. "Dad loves Cookies", went thru my head as I gleamed at the internet page.
A Card to conclude the gift with a note to boot, it read from Nadine, Chuck and myself. Enclosed is a separate note from me that read "I LOVE YOU DAD, HAPPY BIRTHDAY". Just the three words "I love you" that should seal the deal, well for me anyway. Simple and True.
So we'll see what happens. Hopefully on March 23rd when his gift arrives during his stay in Florida, on his Birthday he'll open up the card and smile and think to himself "I love you too Patsy" ( Patsy is what he calls me)

issues 101

No one ever gave me a heads up that having a child with a mild sensory issue as well as high anxiety was in the cards. Now before I say more, let me first say if you read all my other posts, you know I love my daughter so much! She's my girl! And what I'm about to disclose it not a real big deal, nor a health concern. I realize on the spectrum of things, my daily life is very easy and my child is healthy!
Yet this is a part of my life today, and you're apart of my blog.

Academically, Nadine is amazing. These days attending kindergarten is not what it was like, even a year ago ( per her teacher). Today they come home with 4 pages of homework.I try not to complain, why should I , Nadine does it! She's always been smart. NO brag, just a fact, when she was less then a year old, the pediatrician said "you may have a gifted child on your hands". At two, the pediatrician said "there is no question ,shes gifted". Having no idea what to do with that information, I just took it and rolled with it. I never expressed it to anyone, just my husband and I knew of the Doctors remarks. It's kind of a weird thing to hear. Plus I knew she was doing things kinda fast, but I knew no different, after all she's the only one, my first child. We just went with her flow and cheered her on. Someone once said to me "Don't rush her babyhood".. I thought to myself, i wasn't doing that, but she's doing these things, i'm not going to hold her back from it...

The thing about being "gifted" and I kinda don't like that term.. but the thing is it comes with a flip-side. Most children who are smart like her , have other things , "issues". For example, a little OCD, sensory issues as well as anxiety. These things NO parent wants to discuss. At first I did not want to touch the topic, after all my girl is so smart, why should I touch the other topics? So many people complement Nadine, for her beauty and intelligence, yet at times I can see the people looking at her was well as me, when she goes to wash her hands (which seems like a million times in a sitting). Then the times when she starts a new "hobby" such as soccer and stands in the field crying, or at the start of dance where she stood crying and clearly full of anxiety because she was uncomfortable..well other parents are quick to judge these things (i'll just put it at that). To the supportive Mommy's I thank you!

After speaking with a amazing child psychologist, someone who evaluated Nadine, I felt a better grasp on who Nadine was with her "issues". I also had questions answered to questions I didn't know I had about her past. I learned about how to make the little things in life a bit easier for Nadine as well as myself and my husband (it was like a parenting session).

The thing is, for Nadine, right now at 5.5 years old, if a room is not a temp she might be comfortable with, clothes are her issues and if she's not comfortable, then panic sets in, I have to be ready with extra clothes for her to change into, out of, you name it! At times her hands feel sticky ( in her mind), so washing hands or wiping them is essential for her. Having wipes or near a sink is a requirement these days. As I blog on, i'll get into more of a detail about some things that go on, when it goes on.

As I conclude this post, I need to apologize for at anytime I judged a parent who had what I thought was the "bad"kid in the store, or the child who had sandals on in the winter, i'd like to apologize to that parent, for I have judged you in the past and I will never judge again.

well its been a long time...

It's been a crazy several months.I have a lot to write about. I kinda had writers block. But I think I got it back...so i'll start off with what is on my mind tonight.


As Nadine had a rough start to Kindergarten,who would of thought that I'd have a daughter who hid under the bed so she could skip the second day of School.
As she ran down the hallway , I had no idea that hiding under the bed and crying was what was about to occur that morning. I had no clue i'd have a child that does this sort of thing. You see, I watch Super-nanny and when I see kids do this sort of thing I think to myself "I'm so glad Nadine is not like that".
Well as visions of Super-nanny ran through my head, and Nadine literally having a crying temper tantrum laying under the master bedroom bed, on the dusty wood floor I had to think quick and keep calm. ( because guess what, I had to get to my new job and not be late... that's correct NEW JOB).

Anyway, that morning was the start to many days of Nadine having a breakdown before her start to Kindergarten day. That morning was the start to many days of Mommy ( me) crying on the way to work , feeling so sad for my little girl ( of course she saw a smile on my face , as I reassured her she'd be safe and sound in School, and would learn and have fun). After all , I was told if I sent my child to pre-k , 5 days of week then she would have NO problem leaving for Kindergarten. Well, i'm here to tell you this is untrue. My poor gal had such anxiety.

After a couple of weeks of hardship, Nadine was happy to go to School. In fact at times, I have to ask for a hug and kiss before I watch her run through the School doors. I'm so happy she is loving School!

Happy Birthday!

Today , June 13, 2012 I turned forty. Every year on my Birthday I call my mother to wish her a Happy Birthday too, after all she got me here. I also present her with a flower , which I intend to do tomorrow.

Turning forty is very strange. When I was a little girl, and even a older teenager I thought at forty I'd have three children and look like a seventy year old ( that was my perspective of a forty year old).

The reality is, I am a young forty year old. Its true! I am happy with my age
( Although, thirty seven has a ring to it). At forty, I have a five year old daughter, I'm married nearly 15 years ( June 28th) and I have a great house on Long Island.

The only thing at forty years old that makes me uncomfortable is the fact that my parents are getting older as well and I'm terrified about them not being here.
I seriously don't know how to deal with that, so I just put it aside.

At forty, I want to be closer then I am to both my sisters and make my marraige something for others to crave. At forty, I want to work on being a outstanding role model to my daughter and my neices and nephews. Corny as it may sound, I want to work on making the world better for the next generations.

Over the passed few years since Nadine was born, during her toddler years friends have come and gone, specially since I moved from Sea Cliff to Holbrook. Although just a 50 minute ride, many friends have simply "dissed" me. A few, which I can count on one hand have stayed in touch despite the busy lives they lead, weather it be a phone call, thru facebook, emailing, texting , and meeting up. For those of you, I am so grateful. WIth this I have learned to select my friends wisely. I am a very giving person, I love my friends and I take pride in the friendships we share-they are important to me.

At forty I'm looking forward to a change in jobs, possibly more hours ( I only have one child and she'll be in Kindergarten), I look forward to writing more and working on a book ( maybe more). At forty, I welcome new friends and hopefully a Boxer doggie is waiting for us ( i know i'm waiting ).

Tonight I glanced in on her sleeping and I recalled this lovely evening after dinner, she persued to her bedroom where she changed from her play clothes into a pretty dress ( a fourth of July Dress). Her intention was to look pretty when she sang Happy Birthday to me with Daddy. She makes me feel that I am the luckiest Mommy in the world!

I'm nervous about whats to come once Nadine attends Kindergarten. Those years of her and I going to parks and playing all day, reading books and coloring are coming to a end and are slowly changing to a full day at School-for her, after school activities , more playdates and boyfriends ( well.... not yet on that one). As I am sad that these five years have gone so fast, I'm excited to see what her and my next adventure will be.

Bittersweet....

Today was Nadine's "Moving Up Day" at her Pre-K.
What can I say, IT WAS SO CUTE!

However, the entire thing is very bittersweet. What I mean by "ENTIRE THING" is that, well.. one day I'm dropping my kid off at pre-k in tears (myself included shedding those tears), and in a blink she's five years old and running around with her friends not fully reliant on me.

The Moving Up Presentation came and went. A few of the parents, as well as Nadine, Charles and myself hung out infront of the School and chatted it up. I started to recall the first day I dropped Nadine off for School.
I was a mess! Transferring to a new community, switching pre-k programs within a couple weeks of school starting, as well as her surgery ahead of us, (it was a crazy time). I had a horrible time saying goodbye to her that first day. Those first few moments of "sending her off", I contemplated the idea of homeschooling and I questioned weather or not that kind of setting would be ordeal for her and I (serioulsy, it was a thought.. a very serious thought. However I was not a teacher, and there was a teacher inside the building waiting. Yet during those moments of stress, the idea of homeschooling had becoming appealing).

Today I watched Nadine run around, play on the School grass with her peers, attentive to how much she has grown. Nadine gave Gwen a hug, both smiling and giggles as they imitated the boys. At that moment, I realized sending her to pre-k was a decision I'm glad I made. She has many new friends, has learned to socialize, be independent and most of all, she loved school, learning and was so happy with her classmates and teachers.

Unsure if having another child is in the cards for us, I am content with my decision made five years ago. Changing my career, work part time and stay home with Nadine, has been one of the best decisions I have made for myself as well as she. I have enjoyed every moment!
Five years has gone very fast. Uncertain what next year will bring, I know for sure that Kindergarten will be awesome for my girl and I can't wait to hear her stories at the dinnertable of her daily adventures.

String bean anyone ?

DUCKS! oh yes, they have visited our backyard yesterday.
As I walked out the kitchen door into our porch, I peered to the right and outside of the screen, on the very green newly rained on grass were two beautiful Ducks. To my astonishment, they were waddling around and moving toward Nadine's blow up pool which had remnants of water lingering in it from the hot, play, pool day, the day before.


Asking my husband to pick Nadine up so she can look out of the kitchen window and view the Ducks, I quickly grabbed the camera to get a few pictures. As the Ducks waddled around the yard, quacking away, I pondered, what were they talking about?

This Spring has been wonderful in our new home. I am enjoying our yard intensely. My only regret is not purchasing a farm instead. I am growing fruits and Vegetables! I'm having a great time in the Garden almost daily.
Our neighbors are wonderful , the area is lovely.
Surrounding our streets ,are woodlands. Once in a while if you drive slow enough, you can see Deer peaking out of the shady trees of the forests. Its just beautiful.

One hot day last week, having a blast running and jumping through the sprinkler, Nadine was as happy as can be! Glancing at her smile, I hoped that , this moment stay with me for a lifetime. I never want to forget it!
For Nadine, possibly running through the Sprinkler is a simple thing, yet hearing her pretend thoughts and listening to her laugh, are priceless to me.
Continuing to watch Nadine play, she ran over to me and said "Mommy, I love our house, I love our backyard".