My Favorite Sound

Its been almost two weeks since we put Hannah to rest. What can I say, I miss my dog!
Tonight, arriving home from work was the first time on a late Monday night that my dog wasn't there to greet me with her beautiful black eyes, her awesome wiggly bum and tail and her unconditional love. I absolutely hate it, that she's not here.


When I think back to the day we put her to sleep, to the exact moment I realized she wasn't here, but her body was still with us, I melted down in cry. As soon as the injection was put into her vein, within seconds she was not there. Just like that it was over. I was glad she was no longer in pain, I was happy she was not uncomfortable, but in that instinct her whole life with us flashed in front of me. A feeling of sadness, which I have never felt before hit me like a ton of bricks!
I miss everything about my dog, I miss her smell, her hair, her look, her playfulness, her funny her, and her kisses, her laying next to me, her sleeping sounds, her drinking out of her water bowl ( which was always one of my favorite sounds). In a flash, all of her was gone.

Arriving home after the ordeal of sending her off to "heaven" ( as I tell my daughter), I had to put her stuff away. Her stainless steel water bowl which she drank from for 10 years , her toys, her bed. Realizing she wasn't returning, again I cried. I cried so hard I actually vomited, then dry heaved for over a hour.

Now a couple weeks into this, the sadness is still with me, the missing her hard is infront of me and stays with me, lingering like a buzzing bee that will not go away. I'm mad now. Mad that life dealt these cards. I'll be honest, 6 months ago as discussion took place with my husband and father about a trip to attend during the upcoming June, someone said "we need someone to watch Hannah, if she's still alive". I replied insisting that was a insane comment , that Hannah would always be here.
I always knew that there'd be a time Hannah would go, but not now. I seriously thought she'd be the dog that made it into the Guiness World Book of Records. I had these dreams that she would live till she was 20! Part of me thought that she'd always be here with me. As I type this , pondering now, how ridiculous my denial was.

I miss my dog. Plain and simple. She is not there in my yard with me as I do gardening. She's not there with me as I live. I can't throw her a ball and her bring it back to me. She's not going to see my daughter Nadine grow up. I'm never going to here her bark again. She's just not going to be here. Hannah has been with me for 10.5 years ( since she's 3 months old). My friend, my pal, my baby.

I'm told to remember the good times. I do! I think she's here with me at time, in spirit. But I'm still so mad, and so terribly sad. I miss my dog! My white, beautiful Boxer Baby!